Fandom Idol (1/?)

[nadiathesaint]

Hi! I'm insane! But you knew that, already.

I present to you Fandom Idol


(Camera swoops in over a packed AUDIENCE, filled with FRIENDS, FAMILY, and CELEBRITIES, all applauding wildly and holding up glittery flags signs as the camera flies overhead. There's a long table at the front of the audience, where three judges sit in varying states of excitement: LORELAI is practically bounding, TED is grinning at the stage, and EDMUND is-- EDMUND is trying to escape. He is thwarted by a combination of LIZZY, who is almost as bouncy as LORELAI, and the VERY LARGE SUM OF MONEY the producers are using to chain his leg to the table . . . literally. On the stage, the ZOMBIE BAND is being taped back together by JAROD and WEEVIL, as LORNE steps to the center, mugging for the camera.)

LORNE: Welcome back! Before we announce the winner, let's take a look back on everything that's lead up to this moment: the reveal of who you have chosen to be your next . . . Fandom Idol.

(Cue DRAMATIC MUSIC and DRAMATIC LIGHTING--and EDMUND cursing)

EDMUND: I have to sit through this drudgery again?

(Just before the cut, the sound of EDMUND getting THWAPPED by LORELAI can be heard.

(Cut to the EXTERIOR OF CARITAS, where a long line of STUDENTS stand, chattering nervously, warming up, wringing hands, wiggling fingers. Here is AERYN, looking stoically confused as JOHN tries to explain the televised talent show to her, there is RORY, frantically going over her music. Here is VERONICA sniping at MARTY and LINDSEY, there is GOB, getting dragged away by SECURITY because he's not a student and therefore not qualified to enter.)

LORNE (voice over): The choice was hard--

EDMUND (v.o.): Yes, they were all equally dreadful--

LORNE (v.o.): --We started with such a large group of talent in the open auditions.

(Cut to AUDITION ROOM. XANDER is pushed through the door, looking startled. Cut to WALTER, visibly drunk, giving a terrible rendition of Cole Porter's "Blow Gabriel". Cut to one, tentative, bad note from ANGEL. Cut to BLAIR singing "Hair". Cut to CALLISTO standing silently.

(Cut to JUDGES, looking expectant.

(Cut to CALLISTO, standing silently.

(Cut to MACBETH singing . . . something made completely incomprehensible by his accent, until his microphone randomly shorts out.)

LORNE (v.o.): The judges certainly had their work cut out for them, choosing our twelve contestants.

(Cut to TED)

TED: Dude, that was just . . . okay, right?

(Cut to LORELAI)

LORELAI: You have a beautiful voice.

(Cut to EDMUND)

EDMUND: Terrible.

(Cut to TED and LORELAI, looking apalled.)

TED: Bogus.

LORNE (v.o.): We saw a wide variety of song stylings, but . . . some songs seemed more popular than others.

(Cut to song montage)

MARTY (singing): We were--

(Jump cut)

ANDERS (singing): --drawn from the--

(Jump cut)

PARKER (singing): --weeds,

(Jump cut)

CALLY (singing): We were brave--

(Jump cut)

ARCHIE (singing): --like soldiers,

LORNE (v.o.): Much more popular.

(Jump cut)

ISABEL (singing): Forever with--

(Jump cut)

ANGELA (singing): --you, forever in--

(Jump cut)

PAIGE (singing): --meeeeeeeeee,

(Jump cut between several more student, each singing about half of each note): Ever the same!

LORNE (v.o.): Which, you know? I don't think the judges much appreciated.

(Cut to EDMUND montage. With each subsequent cut, his scowl deepens. A time stamp on the bottom left corner shows the passing of several hours)

EDMUND: There (cut) is (cut) not (cut) enough (cut) money (cut) in (cut) the (cut) world--

(Cut to MAIA, bursting into tears and running from the room.)

LORNE (v.o.): After long deliberation, the judges finally chose your top twelve.

(Cut to shots of VERONICA looking cheerful, LINDSEY looking smug, ANGEL looking shocked and appalled, QUINN looking like she knew that all along, SYDNEY looking pleased, BEL looking blank, PHOEBE jumping up and down, ZERO making some kind of complex hand gesture, PIP smiling, MARTY drinking gatoraide, ARCHIE looking confused, and JAYE glaring at her purse, as the JUDGES tell them that they're in.)

LORNE (v.o.): But, this wouldn't be reality television, or, you know, Fandom, without . . . scandal.

(Cut to VERONICA and MARTY backstage.)

VERONICA: No. No, I absolutely will not, no!

MARTY: But he's a sailor! He'll appreciate it as a romantic gesture!

VERONICA: No. Way. In. Hell.

(Cut to the stage, where VERONICA stumbles on, as though pushed. She's wearing a sexy sailor suit. Cheers rise up from the audience. ARCHIE, seated in the "mini-giraffe pound" to the right of the judges, BLUSHES furiously.)

VERONICA (smiling for the cameras as she takes the microphone): I'll get you for this, Blank,

(Cut to WILDLY CHEERING AUDIENCE as we come back to the live footage. LORNE smirks at the camera.)

LORNE: And get him, she did. But we'll take a look at that, and announce our winners, after this break.

(Cue DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(Cut to an add for next week's "Vanessa Saturn", in which VANESSA discovers that her ill-advised affair with her some-times EX-BOYFRIEND may have DIRE CONSEQUENCES.)

To be continued. . . .

[once again, with many thanks to the chat folks, and this time, to Attic Angst as well]