FIC: Ten Things...

[can_be_more]

Title: Ten Things That Never Happened to John and Aeryn After Leaving Fandom
Authors: can_be_more and whitedeathpod
Characters: John and Aeryn
Rating: PG
Authors' Notes: Because there's no better way to keep the fake bf entertained at work. Odd numbers written by me, evens written by her. I think it shows.


1.

"Do you, Aeryn, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold and all that... good stuff?"

Aeryn sighs, not for the first time. "This is ridiculous," she says.

"You're not married until you say 'I do,' dear."

"I'm not saying anything until you change him back!"

John barks.

Rita Skeeter looks down at the sheepdog standing across from Aeryn, and looks like she's making a very hard decision. "You're sure about this?" she asks. "He's really much better this way."

"You realize when I was told I needed something old, that just means I'm carrying a pulse pistol, right?" Aeryn says.

Rita considers her wand, and John takes that opportunity to pee on her leg.

Aeryn again wonders why they didn't just elope.

*****

2.

John always likes to get up early on Saturday mornings.  He knows it's a day he can sleep in, snuggled warm under his blankets but he gets up anyway.
 
He gets up and pours himself a cup of coffee to drive away the sleep fuzziness.  Then, still in his slippers and robe, makes his way outside to sit on the stoop.  It's a routine.
 
Today, it's cool and breezy.  And as soon as he sits down, he can see her coming around the corner, flag waving proud and pink in the air.  He grins.
 
She hits the McCoy's mailbox, nails the Gillion's garden gnome and devastate Esther May Rollins' prized petunias.
 
And he laughs.  The bike is old, all that he could afford, and has a faded pink flag, rusty paint and a banana seat.  Aeryn is glaring at him as she ride by and whips a newspaper at him with such force that it knocks over his coffee.
 
He's not phased.  "Lookin' good, sweetheart!"
 
"I frelling hate you," she yells and continues past him to obliterate more things with her newspapers.

*****

3.

When John opens the freezer, he pauses, then shuts it again.

He opens it a moment later, frowning. "Um. Aeryn?"

"I know," she says from the kitchen table, where she's irritably tapping her nails on the tabletop.

He can't leave it there, though. "Did I just see-"

"Yes."

"I didn't even know that was possible."

"Neither did I."

John looks in the still-open freezer again, grinning broadly. "This might call for a celebration."

Aeryn glares at him.

"What? It's not every day a toaster mates with a blender. We have a whole family in our fridge! This is a blessed event!"

Aeryn is still glaring. John figures she's probably not going to anytime soon, and he's okay with that.

*****

4.

It's Aeryn who finally calls their landlord.  She does while John's in class just to prevent his frantic flailing and blush.
 
"What happened to your counter, Miss Sun?"  Their landlord is a kindly old man with a puffy moustache and a name she can't remember.
 
"It just broke."
 
Their landlord huffs quietly.  "Something like that don't just happen."
 
"The craftsmanship is obviously faulty."
 
The landlord looks closer at the counter which has almost separated from the wall.  "This looks like it was pulled away."
 
Aeryn blushes.  "We weren't jumping on it."
 
The landlord looks at her intently.  "I'd hope not.  Use the bed for that."
 
"It obviously is deficient as it can't take both our weights," Aeryn blurts.
 
"Really?"  The landlord chuckles. 
 
"It was John's idea," Aeryn says, blushing harder.
 
The landlord shakes his head and laughs.  "I'll get someone up here to fix it."
 
---
 
When John gets home and goes into the bathroom, he stares at the fixed counter.  "Aeryn, the counter's fixed!"
 
Aeryn comes up behind him.  "I know.  They fixed it today."
 
John pales.  "Do they know...?"
 
Aeryn nods. 
 
John makes a sound and immediately goes to hide in the bedroom.

*****
 
5.

To be completely honest, Aeryn's still not entirely comfortable with this, but she's not having a lot of luck getting any sort of high-paying job, and they need the extra income. For the most part she sits at the bar and tries to ignore the show, though she always, always fails at that second part.

After the show's over, she heads backstage, not giving any sort of greeting to the bouncer because that would be too weird. She doesn't knock at the door, either, just lets herself in.

"What'd you think, honey?" John asks, using a cotton pad to wipe away the eye makeup.

"This is so strange," Aeryn says.

"You say that every week."

"I mean it every week." Granted, Johnina is still paying most of the bills. That doesn't change the fact.

"Seriously, how'd I do?" John asks.

As long as he's enjoying himself, Aeryn can go along with it. "It was a good show," she says.

John grins and stands up to kiss her, ignoring the fact that he's still wearing Johnina's lipstick.

*****

6.

John's wedding gift to Aeryn is a trip to England.  Aeryn, being the trusting kind, is quite happy with this gift and almost gets swept up in the anticipation of going on their vacation.
 
That is, of course, until she and John arrive at the lodgings John's already arranged.  When Rita Skeeter opens the door, Aeryn says, "Oh frell no," and starts to stalk away.
 
John grabs her elbow and swings her back towards the flat.  "It's all I can afford.  We've been writing each other.  She's a changed woman.  No more animals."
 
Aeryn, who is very pissed now, only goes along with it because she's tired and it's warm and it'll give her a window to throw John through.
 
Rita leads them inside, past some fairly creepy porcelain dolls.  "I'm so happy to see you two again," she says, all English and jolly.  "But, there are some rules in my house."
 
Aeryn sets her jaw.  John grins.
 
Rita says, "The girls sleep separate from the boys.  No fornicating in my house."
 
Aeryn grinds her teeth together.  John agrees for the both of them.
 
Rita's room, it turns out, has one bed.  "Oh, frell no."  Aeryn glares at the bed.
 
Rita flounces into the room and nidges her towards the bed.  "Make yourself at home.  We can have girl discussion as soon as we're both in our nightclothes."
 
With that, Rita heads into the bathroom and Aeryn sits down on the bed still fully clothed.
 
When Rita emerges from the bathroom, she's wearing a periwinkle robe.  "Can I ask you a favor, Aeryn?"
 
"What?"  Aeryn replies sharply.
 
"Would it be too forward of me to ask you to call me Mom?"

*****

7.

Aeryn was hoping this would be done with by the time John got home from class, but no such luck. She hears the door close just as she's trying to get the three-year-old neighbor to sleep, and silently hoping against hope the little girl didn't hear it.

"Aeryn?" John calls, and she immediately turns to shush him. When she sees that no one's waking up, she stands, closes the door behind her, and glares at him a little. "I finally got her to sleep."

"Something you're not telling me?" he asks, frowning at the door.

"Nancy next door? Her babysitter canceled, and this one was inside the apartment before I could say no," she explains.

John gapes at her, looking like he's torn between a smile and bewilderment. "I missed you playing nanny?"

"I suddenly see why people hire professionals to do this," she says. "She was hyperactive, was continually trying to play in the sea monkey tank despite my insistence that they are not real monkeys, tried to feed Bruno a hot dog and broke a glass by pushing on the table till it fell. And then I spent over a frelling hour trying to get her to sleep because she was crying for her mother."

"Wow. Sounds like you've had an interesting day."

"That isn't the word for it. I think she might be part demon."

John laughs a little, which doesn't exactly amuse Aeryn.

"Ours will be perfect," she says, and it's almost a threat.

Nevertheless, John doesn't stop smiling for the rest of the night.

*****

8.

When John opens the door, the face that greets him is unfamiliar.
 
"Can I help you?"  John asks, thinking it might be a neighbor.
 
"Is Aeryn here?" 
 
John frowns.  Aeryn doesn't get many visits primarily because she keeps to herself mostly with the occaisonal visit from Rory or Isabel.
 
"Who're you?"
 
The guy's just about to answer when Aeryn walks up behind him and says, "Who is it?"
 
"Guy wants to see you," John tells her, turning around.  When he does turn, Aeryn's staring at the person on their doorstep.  "Aeryn?"
 
"It's been a long time," Aeryn says to the visitor.  "A very long time."
 
"Indeed.  I couldn't help but try to find you once I made it to Earth," the visitor says. 
 
John frowns and looks between the both of them.  "Something I need to know?"
 
Aeryn looks toward him and frowns.  "Uh..."
 
Okay, when Aeryn stutters, it's never good.  "Who is this?"  John demands.
 
The visitor steps in before Aeryn can stutter some more.  "Galen Sectarian."
 
The name doesn't ring a bell.  John turns to Aeryn for help. 
 
Aeryn looks down and mutters something.
 
"What?"  John asks.
 
"Dexter Hallway Guy," she says clearly.
 
"Dex-"  That registers and John turns to the smirking visitor. 
 
"Nice to meet you," Dexter says and holds out his hand.
 
John frowns and says, "Sorry about this," and decks Dexter, sending him crashing to the floor.

*****

9.

John's already in bed when Aeryn gets home, but he's not sleeping yet. As soon as she crawls in beside him, he's putting his arm around her and asking, "Did you have fun?"

"Most of them would never have been up to Peacekeeper standards," she answers.

"This doesn't surprise me. None of them are Peacekeepers."

"They aren't bad, though. And they aren't getting graded. They just need more practice than they can get in a high school club."

"Maybe you can teach the class next semester," John suggests into the back of her neck.

"Maybe. How was class?"

"Same old, same old. One of the Johns got turned into a parakeet."

"Again?"

She can feel him shrug. "I don't ask anymore. As long as it's not another gremlin uprising, I'm just gonna smile and nod."

"We're probably due for another invasion, too," she reminds him, because even she recognizes sweeps in Fandom. "If it's Furlings, we're moving."

"No, we're not, we like it here," John says. "It's why we came back."

Aeryn nods. "You can keep talking. I'm going to sleep."

"Did you say good night to all the NPC's our little friends?"

"There are roughly a dozen of them now, not including the sea monkeys individually. I'm not saying good night to them."

"Will you say good morning to them?"

She'll be up to teach her class earlier than he will, so she just nods agreement and hopes he won't remember to ask tomorrow. "Good night," she says quietly.

He kisses the back of her neck and says, "Good night," and still manages to fall asleep first.

*****

10.

John gets up first.  The house is quiet, Aeryn's still sleeping, and this is John's favorite part of the day.  He tiptoes into the room adjacent to theirs and peeks inside.  Everyone's still asleep. 
 
John walks into the room and examines each of the ten cribs.  Bobby, Billy, Lulu. Heather, John Jr, Wilma, Roger, Leigh, Ty, and Rory are all asleep, thumbs, rattles, blankets and various other objects in their mouths.
 
"My babies," John whispers, smiling down at the fruit of his loins.  "There's so many of you.  So beautiful."
 
The babies don't wake up and John busies himself with setting everything up for their morning ritual. Bottles, diapers, wipes, onesies, and toys.
 
He's got Bobby, the notoriously fussy one, in his arms when Aeryn waddles into the room.  John stares at her belly.
 
"No way," he says in wonder.
 
"We did it last night."
 
"Yeah, just last night! How are you so pregnant already?"
 
Aeryn shrugs and sweeps up Lulu in her arms.  "You're good at it."
 
"Not that good," John says, setting a teddy bear in Rory's crib.  "Something's wrong."
 
"Nothing's wrong," Aeryn says.  "With Peacekeepers, after the first child, we get pregnant faster.  I had ten at one time.  I'm fertile."
 
John gulps.  "More babies?"
 
"More babies."