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fh_fic2007-06-26 05:34 pm
sith_happened) wrote in fh_fic2007-06-26 05:34 pm
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Five (Fine, Six) Ways that Hamlet Avoided the Nasty Tragedy Bits of Canon
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ihatedenmark and brought to you by the color black.
1. “Mother? Foul excuse for a guardian?” Hamlet began as he and Horatio approached the two royals.
“Why are they holding hands?” Claudius hissed at Gertrude, who shrugged.
“Are you sure this will work?” Horatio murmured.
“Trust me,” Hamlet replied, reaching into the pocket of his black pants, “I learned about this at school. We have something to show you,” he said in a louder voice.
With a barely contained roll of his eyes, he tossed a handful of glitter into the air, reached out and kissed Horatio on the mouth.
With tongue.
His uncle’s head exploded and Hamlet pulled back with a small smile of triumph. “Murder avenged, Father.”
2. Hamlet was never quite certain how Rikku had managed to cram herself into his luggage—and he rather missed his black fleece (no, not that one, the other one. No, the other other one)—but even he had to admit she brought a certain…something…to Elsinore.
For one thing, her verbal tangents made Ophelia look kind of normal. For another, she held animated conversations with Yorrick—mostly, he suspected, because it creeped out Polonius.
For a third, she had taught the entire court the words to “Cuban Pete.” Within a month Claudius had packed his things, rescinded his claim to the throne and moved to Finland.
…And then Gertrude had married Polonius, but Hamlet tried not to dwell on that much. He told himself he was far too busy trying to stop Mr. Canute Mimir Fluffypants from bringing him all of the jewels in the castle one at a time.
3. Hamlet stared at Anakin. “So I need to go home now,” he said.
Anakin nodded.
“Which means I’m getting on that plane and you’re…not,” Hamlet explained slowly.
Anakin shook his head.
Hamlet blinked. “I need to go home and fulfill my destiny,” he said quietly. “Revenge must be taken.”
“Trust me,” Anakin said, voice getting a little heated, “that sort of thing is completely overrated. I’m coming with you. Every duelist needs a second, after all.” He gave Hamlet a small smile. “And I’ve appointed myself yours.”
Claudius never knew what hit him. Anakin had a bit of a sore spot when it came to men who took power that wasn’t rightfully theirs.
4. King Hamlet was practically apoplectic with ghostly rage. “I told you to avenge my murder most foul, Hamlet!” he said, hopping up and down. “How are these two going to avenge my murder most foul?”
“You said your uncle kidnapped our donkeys, your Grace?” one Jerry asked Hamlet, not even noticing that Hamlet had been having an animated conversation with empty air. The Jerries did it all the time, after all.
“They were our favorite donkeys, your Eminence,” the other said sadly.
“Except for the first one.”
“That was a llama.”
“Lovely singing voice, though.”
“Even after the incident with the Queen?”
“And the pomegranates.”
“Why did you eat all the pomegranates, Jerry?” the second one shrieked. “The mafia pigeons poisoned them!”
With a moment, they were choking each other in the castle’s courtyard.
Hamlet shrugged. “I have no idea,” he said finally, “but it should be interesting to watch.”
5. “I’ll get it,” Hamlet called to no one as the peals of the castle’s doorbell deafened the general area. He put on his most dour expression and opened the door.
And stared. “…Marty?”
Martin Blank stood in front of him, dressed in a black suit, holding a portfolio under his arm and brandishing a spork. “I’m not sure how to explain this…but Jack Bristow sent me.”
Hamlet stared at him for a long moment before opening the door wider and motioning for Marty to come in. “Makes as much sense as anything else around here,” he commented.
6. “Have the players arrived, Horatio?” Hamlet asked, taking the stairs two at a time.
“They have,” Horatio answered carefully. “But the troupe’s a little…avant-garde.”
Hamlet’s eyebrows drew together. “How so?” he asked.
Three Jamies turned around with identical grins, brandishing sock puppets. “Hey there, Hammie,” they chorused.
Hamlet buried his face in his hands and sighed.
###
ihatedenmark and brought to you by the color black.1. “Mother? Foul excuse for a guardian?” Hamlet began as he and Horatio approached the two royals.
“Why are they holding hands?” Claudius hissed at Gertrude, who shrugged.
“Are you sure this will work?” Horatio murmured.
“Trust me,” Hamlet replied, reaching into the pocket of his black pants, “I learned about this at school. We have something to show you,” he said in a louder voice.
With a barely contained roll of his eyes, he tossed a handful of glitter into the air, reached out and kissed Horatio on the mouth.
With tongue.
His uncle’s head exploded and Hamlet pulled back with a small smile of triumph. “Murder avenged, Father.”
2. Hamlet was never quite certain how Rikku had managed to cram herself into his luggage—and he rather missed his black fleece (no, not that one, the other one. No, the other other one)—but even he had to admit she brought a certain…something…to Elsinore.
For one thing, her verbal tangents made Ophelia look kind of normal. For another, she held animated conversations with Yorrick—mostly, he suspected, because it creeped out Polonius.
For a third, she had taught the entire court the words to “Cuban Pete.” Within a month Claudius had packed his things, rescinded his claim to the throne and moved to Finland.
…And then Gertrude had married Polonius, but Hamlet tried not to dwell on that much. He told himself he was far too busy trying to stop Mr. Canute Mimir Fluffypants from bringing him all of the jewels in the castle one at a time.
3. Hamlet stared at Anakin. “So I need to go home now,” he said.
Anakin nodded.
“Which means I’m getting on that plane and you’re…not,” Hamlet explained slowly.
Anakin shook his head.
Hamlet blinked. “I need to go home and fulfill my destiny,” he said quietly. “Revenge must be taken.”
“Trust me,” Anakin said, voice getting a little heated, “that sort of thing is completely overrated. I’m coming with you. Every duelist needs a second, after all.” He gave Hamlet a small smile. “And I’ve appointed myself yours.”
Claudius never knew what hit him. Anakin had a bit of a sore spot when it came to men who took power that wasn’t rightfully theirs.
4. King Hamlet was practically apoplectic with ghostly rage. “I told you to avenge my murder most foul, Hamlet!” he said, hopping up and down. “How are these two going to avenge my murder most foul?”
“You said your uncle kidnapped our donkeys, your Grace?” one Jerry asked Hamlet, not even noticing that Hamlet had been having an animated conversation with empty air. The Jerries did it all the time, after all.
“They were our favorite donkeys, your Eminence,” the other said sadly.
“Except for the first one.”
“That was a llama.”
“Lovely singing voice, though.”
“Even after the incident with the Queen?”
“And the pomegranates.”
“Why did you eat all the pomegranates, Jerry?” the second one shrieked. “The mafia pigeons poisoned them!”
With a moment, they were choking each other in the castle’s courtyard.
Hamlet shrugged. “I have no idea,” he said finally, “but it should be interesting to watch.”
5. “I’ll get it,” Hamlet called to no one as the peals of the castle’s doorbell deafened the general area. He put on his most dour expression and opened the door.
And stared. “…Marty?”
Martin Blank stood in front of him, dressed in a black suit, holding a portfolio under his arm and brandishing a spork. “I’m not sure how to explain this…but Jack Bristow sent me.”
Hamlet stared at him for a long moment before opening the door wider and motioning for Marty to come in. “Makes as much sense as anything else around here,” he commented.
6. “Have the players arrived, Horatio?” Hamlet asked, taking the stairs two at a time.
“They have,” Horatio answered carefully. “But the troupe’s a little…avant-garde.”
Hamlet’s eyebrows drew together. “How so?” he asked.
Three Jamies turned around with identical grins, brandishing sock puppets. “Hey there, Hammie,” they chorused.
Hamlet buried his face in his hands and sighed.